| one year down |
[13 May 2009|10:16am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
taking back sunday - there's no 'i' in team |
] |
So I'm near the end of my first year of university. Now would be a good time take acount of everything I've learned in this time.
I've learned that no matter how much I think I know, there's always more. I've also learned that I need to be more open minded and stop these silly predjudices based purely on second-hand knowledge.
I've been thinking quite a bit recently about what my life was like a year ago.
I made a huge mistake around this time last year and its one I'll never forgive myself for. I like to think I have finally learned my lesson however.
What about where my life is heading now?
Everything is so uncertain these days and this includes my future.
I know what I want, but I have a nagging feeling its never going to happen.
Only time will tell...
|
| Morality |
[08 May 2009|05:43pm] |
I've been faced with an issue that questions my very morality.
It questions life and death and what choice if any, we should have in it.
I need to think...
|
| A change |
[02 May 2009|10:06pm] |
For the first time in quite some time now, I'm feeling genuinely happy.
A few weeks ago, I came across someone in my life who changed me for the better. I drew happiness and life from them. Everything that had been going wrong in my life was no longer important, I've forgotten it all.
Nathaly has taught me so much without even realising it. She's taught me to relax and not take life so hard. She's taught me to be happy again, to be free and look ahead at the positives. Even when I think I've messed up, she still manages to make me feel like the most important person in the world.
I'm forging a relationship with someone who ha no prior association with me and no history, allowing us to have a clean slate. She doesn't know too much of my past and better still, she doesn't care. All see wants is the present and the future.
|
| Back to square one |
[06 Apr 2009|05:43pm] |
I've been faced with change recently.
I've lost someone incredibly close to me and in doing this, I've come to realise that everything they told me, was true.
I am a selfish human being. I only care about myself and I do push everyone away.
I had somewhat of an epiphany however. I've been concentrating too much on the past and letting all the hurt from the years past build up into one large culmination of unhappiness. Relationships built upon prior history and preconceptions.
This is also relevant with my friends. Since I've reconnected with them, our friendship has become less about the past and more about the future.
Despite of all of this though, I still feel alone.
So what do I do?
Do I carry on living in the past, or do I try my level best to move on.
I chose the latter.
|
| Allow me to get geeky a second |
[20 Feb 2009|06:46pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
goodbye she wrote |
] |
Last night I did an acoustic recording session with Michael.
I've enjoyed recording a lot more recently. I have a good grasp of both Pro Tools and the desk. My problem solving capabilities have also improved greatly.
One point which I enjoyed the most was actually using my ears, which sounds daft during a recording session, I know. It's far too easy when recording to say "put that mic there because that's how it's done". In this case, especially as we were recording acoustic, I was determined NOT to do this. Last time we recorded acoustic, we did this and I took a lazy approach to mic placements, which resulted in a pretty weak recording.
This time, using only two mics, I put on some headphones and placed the mics where they sounded good, rather than where they "should" go. The resulting recording was so good that it required barely any mixing what so ever.
Most importantly, I feel PROUD of myself.
|
| The brightest bulb has burned out |
[28 Jan 2009|02:18pm] |
A song.
"You told me that your 20 years have gone by much too fast
And you've been hoping this year will be better than the last
You said you've been waging a war against the loneliest of nights
With the strongest drinks and longest lines, it's not that big of a surprise
That you're feeling more dead than alive
You're feeling more dead than alive
So I'll let you know if you need
Somewhere to go
I'll be listening when you call
And I'll be there if you fall off
If you need someone to believe in you I'll let you know I will
You said the hole in your head has gotten bigger than the whole that's in your chest
And you're stuck between the past and present tense
Said you've been waging a war against so many years of lies
With stronger drinks and longer lines, it's not that big of a surprise
That you're feeling more dead than alive
You're feeling more dead than alive
So I'll let you know if you need
Somewhere to go
I'll be listening when you call
And I'll be there if you fall off
If you need someone to believe in you I'll let you know I will
But sometimes you've gotta let it go
So this pen is starting to become
A pipe bomb and these songs
Have turned to anthems again
To everything that's changed and to everything that's gone away
Here are my condolences to the future I never met
It's gone and never coming back
It's never coming back
So don't hold onto your past
You've gotta let it go
'Cause friends leave as time fades away
The people and the places along the way
Without a doubt
Screws fall in and screws they fall out
Tomorrow's gone up in smoke
And I wonder when I'm alone
Where did my convictions go?
So to everyone that's gone away
Or fades away or stays the same
Here are my apologies to the person that I used to be
Before I burned down every bridge and every inch
Of everything I used to know
I gotta let it go
Friends leave as time fades away
The people and the places along the way
So don't hold onto your past
No, it's never coming back
You've gotta let it go"
Strange. This song talks about letting go of the past, yet it fills me with a deep sense of nostalgia.
|
| Why does.. |
[10 Jan 2009|09:12pm] |
.. Every attempt I make to make my life work fall flat on it's face?
I give up.
|
| Destruction |
[29 Dec 2008|08:00pm] |
There's a beauty in destruction.
In Graham Greene's short story "The Destructors", the leader of a gang known as "T" decides to destroy a 200 year old house simply because it's beautiful.
I take great joy scanning through Flickr looking at pictures of dilapidation and destruction. I find their beauty unsurpassed.
Maybe this is why my life seems to be slowly destroying itself.
Maybe my outlook on life is wrong.
|
| Yet more crossroads |
[07 Dec 2008|10:34pm] |
I've had a turbulent couple of weeks and I feel that I'm now starting to stabilise emotionally. I'm far off from being perfectly stable, but I am getting there slowly. My moods are more consistent and I'm worrying a lot less.
What happens is out of my control for the most part.
I honestly feel like I'm changing for the better, and eventually I will be able to reach a state of constant nirvana.
I'm trying to look at things with a more positive approach, yet this involves looking back.
I've been vegetarian for over a year now. I took a risk to do something I wanted and I achieved it.
My band - We've also been together over a year now. After a very varied year, it seems like things are finally going well. I still hold some pessimism however.
Finally, my life in general.
University isn't bogging me down, but it does worry me. I try to rise above it all and relax and I feel for the most part, I'm achieving that.
I do have friends. Maybe not as close as I would like, but I do have ones I can talk to.
There is one last piece of the puzzle I feel needs addressing before I can say my life is getting where I would like. It remains to be seen as to where that goes though.
|
|
[23 Nov 2008|01:13pm] |
|
We're all just waiting to die
|
|
[23 Nov 2008|01:21am] |
"Wisdom is gained from making mistakes.
Mistakes are one of the most beautiful things we have in this life and without them, it is surely impossible for any of us to progress in life.
While they may linger in our minds with the stale smell of remorse, regret and anguish, I'd most certainly choose the reality of these mistakes than an empty shell of a life without realising their severity.
So what are we to do with these mental apparitions of times we'd rather forget? Are we to just try and repress them, or do they have a greater meaning? A meaning in which logic and reason can be sourced and then built upon - to learn from. The latter begins to send the mind into a flurry of mental action.
All we can do in the life is live and learn. Those two simple words will either lead to self-enlightenment or the complete and utter destruction of ones self.
I'm yet to decide which".
|
| A realisation |
[04 Nov 2008|03:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Anberlin - Burn Out Brighter (Northern Lights) |
] |
So I've come to realise that everything in live is not black and white.
There isn't just one set path for every single person.
Every action we make is detrimental to something else somewhere down the line. I see a kind of beauty in this.
With this in mind, I'm not going to live my life with one goal in mind, dispelling everything else as mere dreams or hopes. I'm going to live my life for the present. I'm going to live my life for myself.
I've made some stupid mistakes in the past, most of which are coming back to me now and making me realise how wrong and how naive I was.
I hope this is a new me. I'm not going to fall into old patterns of pessimism, I have hope. I believe in myself. I can do anything I set my sights on.
I will succeed somehow. I will prove everyone wrong. I'm going to make something of this live I've been given.
|
| Crossroads |
[09 Oct 2008|10:04pm] |
It's time for a change.
The question is, can I do it?
I need to. It's killing me.
|
| I am nothing |
[27 Sep 2008|10:38pm] |
|
I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing I am nothing
|
| The reason why.. |
[10 Sep 2008|11:23pm] |
The reason I'm doing this is pathetic, but I care not.
I'm doing all these things to spite you.
Why?
Because you've pissed me off. Exceedingly so.
When I say "you don't tell me anything", usually that indicates a change. Obviously not. People don't usually follow that up with hiding even more things from you. Not just little things - important things.
I know nothing about you. You don't give two shits.
Fuck it.
|
| I just feel... |
[08 May 2008|11:30pm] |
Alone.
I have no one.
I have no friends I can turn to.
I barely have a girlfriend.
I have nothing.
I've got to the point where I care about nothing.
I don't care about university anymore, I don't care about getting a job, I don't care about pointless relationships, I don't care about the same old friendships and I certainly don't care about dead end bands.
I have a girlfriend who cares more about her dog, UFC, her friends and her new found music tastes than she cares about me. If I say anything - I'm made to feel paranoid, so I just don't bother anymore. It's not as if this has only just come around either, I've been feeling like this for months.
What do I want?
I want to get away. Every second I'm away from the norm, either on my own or with someone, I feel slightly more content.
But how can I do that with so many limitations?
I can't - thats how. I'm stuck here and will be forever more until I rot and die.
|
| Seriously.. |
[28 Jan 2008|02:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
What fuck Michael?!
I mean I guess last night was looking pretty bad and it couldn't have gone worse really, but walking off stage and calling off the rest of the gig was immature.
You made us all look bad and have soiled our reputation.
We can't not play the Junktion 7 gig though. I've sold too many tickets and promised too many people. I can't let people down like that. We've resorted to trying to get Chris back it's become that bad now.
We probably blew our one chance the potential new guitarist. He was probably just being nice when he said that he'd come to our Junktion 7 gig.
I can't listen to any screamo, or even play our songs now. They've all been tainted.
|
| My plan for 2008. |
[14 Jan 2008|09:37pm] |
Okay, I think I'll start this with my list of failures from last year.
i) Pass my driving test. [FAIL]
ii) Pass my level 3 music technology. [SUCCEEDED]
iii) Get a job. [FAIL]
iv) Get at least a grade 5 in bass guitar. [FAIL]
v) Get into shape. [SUCCEEDED-ish]
vi) Become more social with the few friends I have. [SUCCEEDED-ish]
vii) Not to put things off just because they seem hard. [FAIL]
viii) To take more care of my body. [SUCCEEDED]
ix) To grow up. [SUCCEEDED]
x) To travel more with Brit. [SUCCEEDED]
Well as you can see, I think I set the bar pretty high. I'm going to concentrate on whats important this year as well as some things that I think I need to do.
1) Pass my driving test
2) Get a job
3) Travel more (preferably with Brit)
4) Get a band that works
5) Complete the three peaks challenge
6) Get into University
Now I've halved my list logically with what I think is most important.
Lets see what I can do this year =/
|
| A new year, a new start? |
[07 Jan 2008|07:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Death Cab For Cutie - Brothers On A Hotel Bed |
] |
So it's 2008. Most people around this time like to make a fresh start.
I for one would like to be one of those.
I'm not wishing for me and Brit to finish in the slightest, I just think that if I could just get away from everything in life that's bringing me down, it'd be for the best.
This lack of affection just makes me feel unloved. When I talk to her about it, I just get made to feel clingy and needy, like I'm an inconvenience.
Maybe I am just an inconvenience...
Beneath the crimson skyline is probably the worse offender for my mood at the minute. Chris, our guitarist, left the other day. Now I for one don't mind that much, but Michael's made a big deal out of it. He's starting insulting him publicly. I understand that he might be a bit mad, but doing that only makes us seem unprofessional and hostile - hardly the attitude we need when looking for a new guitarist. I've been striving to keep the band together all day today. As much as I want it out of my way for good and for all this silly drama to stop, I want the band to keep going.
Maybe I'm too attached...
I really need a job. I mean REALLY need a job. I have no money anymore and it irritates how I can't afford anything. I'm looking for jobs and everything, it's just there's nothing that I'd be content doing. I don't want a job where I have to be dragged into work kicking and screaming.
Maybe I'm picky...
Maybe this all my fault. Maybe this is the next saga of life problems I need to combat...
I don't know, but I just wish it was all over.
I'm sorry. I truly am.
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
casiokeys's journal